Post by ianwright on Jun 18, 2014 23:33:47 GMT -5
Ian Wright
1313 Stillwater Lane
Summerlin, NV 89135
June 19, 2014
Via Hand Delivery
Mr. Mike O'Malley
President, No Limit Wrestling
Las Vegas, Nevada
Dear Mr. O'Malley:
Re: The Wright Direction for NWL
Dear Mr. O'Malley:
I am in receipt of the announcement that there has been a turnover in ownership of No Limit Wrestling, and that you are the new owner and president. Quite frankly, I am not surprised by this turn of events. It has been apparent to me since day one that this company is in desperate need of some major changes. We are not talking about some minor procedures-- we are talking major surgery. I have been trying to voice my concerns, which have thus far fallen on deaf ears. Judging by the bill I received for last week's broken vending machine incident, it has become quite clear to me that your predecessor could not see the forest through the trees. After all, what is one dented vending machine amidst the chaos and confusion that has become of No Limit Wrestling.
I reach out to you, not only as a faithful employee of No Limit Wrestling, but also as a concerned citizen of the great State of Nevada. Now I do not live in Las Vegas like the rest of the heathen, lest I turn into a pillar of salt. No, I make my home south of Nevada, in the quite, respectable neighborhood of Summrlin. However, I have seen enough zombie movies in my life to know that it is only a matter of time before the virus that has become of Las Vegas spreads south and infects my very neighborhood.
I am sure you will agree that our society is going to H-E-Double Hockeysticks in a hand basket: the drugs, the alcohol, the violence, the profanity, and the gambling. It has infested Las Vegas like a plague. My pleas to the mayor to shut down the entire strip and declare martial law have gone ignored, and has therefore become crystal clear that if this city is to be freed from its bondage to sin, I will have to take matters into my own hands. Now, like any self-respecting member of society, I am not a gambler; therefore, lack the skillset to "take down the house" so to speak, and shut down the casinos and drive the undesirables out of the hotels. However, I can scrap, and have been known to win a wrestling match or two in my day, and therefore it is my intention to drive the morally bankrupt roster out of No Limit Wrestling one by one so that the company can truly be rebuilt from the ground up.
I am, however, only one man, and I need your help. I have come up with a five point plan to turn this company in the Wright (that's a pun, not a typo) direction.
1. We need to stop selling alcoholic beverages at the events. Drunk fans are bad for business. Yes, they spend money on beer, and yes, when they are drunk, they buy more merchandise, and yes, when they are drunk, they get more excited and cheer louder. Yet drinking is bad for you. I would like to think that I am stating the obvious, but I question how obvious it is when so many people voluntarily participate in an activity that only serves to impact their health. So the beer has got to go.
2. We need to eliminate all profanity from our wrestlers. Think about the children. I propose you establish a "tip jar," into which each competitor must deposit a dollar every time they curse; and that the money accumulated be used for point number three below.
3. We need to build a room of worship within the arena. Now I understand this can be quite expensive, since the shows move from arena to arena, and therefore many rooms of worship will be needed-- but I am quite confident that tip jar will fill up quite quickly. These wrestlers in No Limit Wrestling-- they need God. There are some individuals on the roster-- and I won't mention names (hint, one's last name rhymes with "boos")-- that need to find Jesus. And since God rewards good deeds, this should pay off dividends.
4. We need to instill some kind of dress code policy-- across the board-- fans and wrestlers. Again, think about the children when they see a ring girl or commentator, or even worse-- someone like Snot Booger McGee-- scantily dressed. This is not good for anyone.
5. Finally, we need to change the entire theme of this organization. I don't know if you realize it or not, but there are a lot of references to gambling within this organization; and as you know, gambling only contributes to a quick-fix mentality that encourages people to remain unemployed, hoping to hit a jackpot, instead of looking for meaningful employment. My suggestion is you start with changing the name of the organization to WLW-- Wright Living Wrestling. It will encourage folks to see things through the lens of morality and decency. Also, you will need to scrap the names of all of your pay-per-views, as they all reference gambling in one form or another. If you would like to brainstorm over new names, send me a Tweet and I can be over to your place within an hour.
I wish to say both "thank you" for taking the time to read this proposal, and "you are welcome" for the submission of this proposal. I am sure your eyes are opening as you read this, and I am excited that finally somebody will see things the Wright Way (again, a pun, and not a typo).
Sincerely yours,
Ian Wright.