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Post by Mike 'Money' O'Malley on Jun 19, 2014 10:04:42 GMT -5
Chad and whomever cares to challenge post below.
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dirk
NLW Jobber
Posts: 2
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Post by dirk on Jun 24, 2014 17:48:00 GMT -5
Reverend Gabe is facing his congregation on a regular Sunday morning. Suitably, his pulpit towers above his listeners. Most of the women wear flowery hats, while most of the men wear handlebar moustaches. Armed with a massive Bible and a tall glass of strong-smelling "water", Reverend White basks in the attention.
Gabe: Dear brothers and sisters, what a joyous noise you make on this beautiful day the Lord hath given us!
Congregation: Amen!
Gabe: Now let your wallets make an equally beautiful celebration. Deacon Willie, would you be so kind as to do the rounds?
Deacon Willie Jameson runs up to Gabe and whispers to him.
Willie: Reverend, this would be the sixth collection we're doing this service. I don't know if the people will have it!
Gabe grabs the scrawny youth by the neck and whispers back, taking care to muffle the microphone with his free hand.
Gabe: Now you shut the hell up, boy! The collection's over when I SAY it's over! NLW headquarters is a long way from here and I need gas-money and a new Stetson hat, dammit!
The deacon walks around the pews and the folks merrily toss their last notes into the wicker basket. Gabe descends the pulpit and follows Willie around. He makes observational comments on his followers' contributions.
Gabe: Come now, Brother Dan, the Lord blessed you with a new plough, I'm sure you're able to bless His representative with a little green. And you, Sister Mari-Belle, did I not see you in town last week with a new dress? Hey, dearest Brother Abraham, would not the Divine frown upon the extravagant amount of bleach your wife buys each Thursday to wash that even more extravagant collection of white hoods? I'm sure the namesake of the father of Israel doesn't want the congregation to know what all those sheets are for!
The church organist busts out a catchy tune while Reverend Gabe accompanies his deacon into the rectory. Gabe makes sure to lock the door behind them. He pulls out a ten from the collection box and stuffs it into Willie's shirt pocket.
Gabe: Here's a tip, sonny!
The minister grabs a bulging burlap sack and stuffs the latest sum of money into it. As soon as the young man heads back to the service, Reverend White smirks to himself. He ascends the pulpit once more.
Gabe: Folks, as a few of you may know, I have been called away from Steeple's Corner...
Gabe pauses to accentuate his flock's startled gasps.
Gabe: ...but know that is pains me dearly! Sure, I'll be making more cash than before and I'll be on TV, but that's not the issue here, brothers and sisters! The Almighty has chosen me, Reverend Gabriel White, your ever-humble servant, to do His work in a grand promotion called "No Limit Wrestling", right in the middle of Sodom and Gomorrah, Nevada! He told me to go there and sort out a few bad seeds and to show them our righteous way. It's like we always say...
The congregation (as one): Turrrrrrrn... or BURRRRRRRN!
Gabe wipes a single tear of joy from his flushed cheek, before raising his outstretched palms and hushing them.
Gabe: I have taught you well, my congregation. Is there a more comforting melody than the church's joyful message of love? I think not!
Take heart, brothers! Have courage, sisters! Yes, because I do not plan on undertaking this endeavor alone! Oh, no! I do this in the name of the Divine and in the name of the Steeple's Corner United Mission congregation. With your emotional support, as well as your ongoing financial support, we will reform NLW in the divine image!
Now if y'all agree with me, give me an "Amen"!
Congregation: AMEN!
Gabe: And if I'm going to see all of you at my debut match, the Crisp Challenge, give me a holler and a "Hallelujah".
Congregation: Halleluuuuujah!
Gabe gets out a brilliantly white handkerchief and pats the sweat from his brow. He relaxes his head to one side and smiles contentedly.
Gabe: You may go in peace, my children. Blessed are you in the name of the Lord and in the name of Gabe White!
The organist plays out the congregation to a tune that sounds suspiciously similar to "Whiter Shade of Pale". The shuffling of footsteps and the rumbling of engines eventually cease, leaving Gabe and Willie alone with the cash.
Gabe: Well, I dare say that this is quite a good haul. I'll see to it that the money comes to good use. I guess that's it, then. Cheers, Willie, it's been a good seven years. Have a nice life!
Gabe tips his cowboy hat to Willie and as he has his hand on the church's back door...
Willie: Reverend White?
Gabe: What is it, sonny?
Willie: What... What am I supposed to do now? You never told me or the church council what the contingency plan is here... Should I pick up where you left off?
Gabe slaps his knee in heartfelt belly-laughter.
Gabe: Haaaaaahaha! That's a good one! YOU replace ME?! HAAAAHAHAHA! Hell no! Don't be silly, kid. You'd be lucky if I let you carry my bags!
Gabe turns away and opens the door, but just before he's quite out the door...
Willie: So how about it, sir?
Gabe: What now?
Willie: Well, Reverend, I've been deacon here since I was sixteen and there really is no Steepleās Corner United Ministries without you, sir... I don't really have anywhere else to go...
Gabe: Ah, fuck it, you can hitch along. As my manager, I'll even be kind enough to give you five cents on every dollar NLW pays me and as of yet, they haven't paid me a dime, so I'm going to need that twenty back I gave you.
Willie: But you only gave me a ten, sir?
Gabe: Now is not the time for dissent, young man! We are off to Las Vegas right... NOW.
Willie: Would it be okay if I said goodbye to my granny first? She's all the family I have left...
Gabe: As Jesus said, Willie: "Let the dead bury the dead." If you want to get out of Tennessee, I am your only chance and you know it... partner! C'mon, off to the Lincoln Longhorn!
(The Lincoln Longhorn was christened as such A) because Gabe was extremely proud of his pitch black '97 Lincoln Town Car and B) because he had it fitted with an authentic pair of horns from a Texas Longhorn steer. While some called it a mere "hood ornament", Gabe proudly called it his "bead-sight". When Gabe White and his car were in town, pedestrians knew to get out of the way!)
The pair get in the car and in no time they're on the highway. Gabe puts on a pair of Ray-Ban Wayfarer sunglasses, completely foreign to his passenger. He notices Willie's perplexed look.
Gabe: What, you ain't never seen "Blues Brothers" before?
Willie: No, sir. It was on the third addendum of the pamphlet of unholy films that I helped you hand out in March.
Gabe: Oops, I kind of forgot about that.
Willie: All this is a lot to take in, sir. I've never been west of Fred Barnes's chicken farm and now I'm off to NLW with you. Until that envelope came last week and you told me you're leaving, I didn't even know you could wrestle.
Gabe: Son, I've been wrestling since before you were sucking titty! My whole life I've been wrestling with the complacency, arrogance and moral decay around me. Compared to that, three seconds of keeping on the mat people who are already dragged down by sin and vice is going to be a breeze!
Willie: I don't think it's going to be that easy, sir.
Gabe: Well, in that case it's nothing short of divine intervention that I don't pay you to think, boy! I may hardly know who Chad Crisp is, but he doesn't even know I'm coming for him, so who has the advantage there, huh? You know who was the last person to beat him?
Willie: No idea, sir.
Gabe: It was his long-lost brother, that's who. Now, Chad may not know it yet, but I am also his brother! I am his brother in faith, yes, but HE is the one that's lost. Now Willie, I need you to do something for me, kiddo, can you do that?
Willie: I-
Gabe: I need you to shut the hell up and give me a chance to get in a word in edgewise... Gosh! Talk about a motor-mouth...
Willie: Yes, sir.
Gabe: Good! Your only other job is to grab the wheel when I fall asleep.
Willie: I don't really have a license, sir...
Gabe: Be a glass half-full guy, boy! Anything is possible with me and the Divine on your side! You don't have a driver's license and I don't have an accredited marriage license, but we don't let that stop us, now do we?
Willie recalls all the happy wedding ceremonies that Reverend White officiated, then beams with enthusiasm.
Willie: No, we certainly don't, sir!
Gabe: That's the spirit, sonny! Now I'm going to floor the accelerator - we got a full tank of gas, we got fourteen hundred miles to go to Nevada, it's getting dark... and you're not wearing shades.
On his way to answer Chad Crisp's open challenge, Reverend Gabe White rides off into the west.
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