INT. TOYS 'R US - AFTERNOON
Our scene picks up inside the popular toy store. "RIGHTEOUS" IAN WRIGHT speaks as he makes his way through the store.
IAN WRIGHT: Yeah, I kicked the soda machine in at Roulette last week, and you know what? I'm not sorry. I needed to make a point, and it is unfortunate that it is a point that clearly went over all of your heads. You see, with your fancy editing and uninformed commentary, you made it seem like I was punching a machine to let you all know how tough I am. Is that what that vending machine assault was all about?
As Ian poses the question, he passes a bin of toy megaphones, and without missing a stride, he picks one up and puts it to his lips.
IAN WRIGHT: H-E-Double Hockey Sticks no, that is not what it was about!
Ian passes the megaphone off to a small boy standing nearby, and keeps walking.
IAN WRIGHT: What that little attack on your attempt at boxed commerce was about was a message-- sugar kills! How are you going to pack a vending machine with sugary, carbonated beverages at an athletic event? What kind of mixed messages are you sending to our youth? Come what athleticism at its finest-- and while you're here, plunk down three dollars for a can of sugar and high fructose corn syrup. It's just like I tried telling George Steinbrenner over and over before he got that restraining order against me, rest his soul-- you gotta get the soda and the beer and the fatty hot dogs out of the concessions. Did he listen? No. And I am sure Mr. James Bullet, you won't listen either.
Ian arrives at his destination: the ACTION FIGURE aisle: wrestling action figures, G.I. Joe dolls, Star Wars figures-- you name it, it's there.
IAN WRIGHT: You see James Bullet, I'm on to you. I've seen your type before. For you, it's all about the almighty dollar. You cater to the lowest common denominator, kind of like our nations largest toy corporations, peddling their violence for the children-- the children for crying out loud!
Ian picks up a JASON VORHEES doll, complete with a bloody machete and a hockey mask (with the indentation fro the machete shot Jason took to the head in Part 4), and holds it up for the camera.
IAN WRIGHT: Case in point. Who in the world decided it was in our nation's best interests to sell figurines of mass murderers to children!? Have you all gone insane? But we all know the answer-- violence sells, so give 'em what they want and worry about the ramifications on our society later. Now this takes me to my purpose here in NLW, and my debut match this Wednesday evening. You see, I apparently have a match with a gentleman by the name of Jason Phoenix. Now I did a little research on Mr. Phoenix- remember kids it's always important to do your homework-- and apparently, he's a big deal around these parts. He always has a title in another organization in my home state of Nevada, and now he looks to make some waves here. And that spells a whole lot of trouble for the great state of Nevada. Because you see, it's just the type of competitor like Jason Phoenix who these toy companies will seek out if he has a successful run in NLW. A multiple concurrent holder of two titles from two organizations in the same state? Trust me when I say, if Jason Phoenix succeeds, there will be Jason Phoenix dolls all over.
A young child comes by, interrupts Ian.
LITTLE BOY: Excuse me sir, but can I see that Friday the 13th doll?
Ian places the doll-- the last of its kind in stock-- high up on the top shelf out of the child's reach, and makes his way out of the aisle. He takes out his iPhone.
IAN WRIGHT: We cannot have Jason Phoenix dolls in stock in Toys 'R Us. The man's nicknames include "Lord of Darkness" and "Seriously Demented." Can you picture that-- mommy, can I have a Seriously Demented doll? Sure dear you can have a Seriously Demented doll after you finish your dinner. I mean, what is that doll even going to look like? I've heard he has a large gash down the middle of his chest from a knife wound. Is that gonna show itself in the doll? Not on my watch.
Ian stops. His disgust has been escalating throughout the scene, and he has hit that point where he just needs to let it all out.
IAN WRIGHT: This sport needs me. Now I am not being arrogant when I say that. I am a reluctant hero-- sort of like John McClain in Die Hard. You think he wanted to be in that building? I didn't sign on for this. I just want peace and quiet in my neighborhood, and the peace of mind of knowing that our children can grow up in a world that promotes the Wright Way of doing things. And if it has to be me inside of one of these little boxes, that the children find underneath their tree on Christmas morning, so that they can play with something wholesome-- something that stands for the right values-- then so be it. I'll be your John McClain, NLW. Yippe Ki Yay, mother-fornicator.